Norah has arrived!

Norah entered the world, screaming, on November 22nd at 2:44 in the afternoon via cesarean section. She weighed 8lbs 8.8oz, was 20 1/8 inches long and had apgars of 8 & 8. We think 8 will be her luck number :)

meeting my girl:


up in the NICU:


I opted for the c/s when they estimated her to weigh 9lbs 12oz at my u/s on Friday the 19th. I wanted her to enter the world as safely as she could and felt that it was the best method of arrival to ensure that safety.

Norah is still in the NICU, but not b/c of her heart. Surprisingly (pleasantly!), she doesn't have an CAVC defect. She has 2 separate holes (and ASD & a VSD), but they should close or be close to closed by the time she's 3. She's there b/c she has malformation of her bowel and is awaiting surgery on Monday morning. Right now there isn't an emergency to get it done, but all the drs feel it's in her best interest (b/c of her other conditions) to have it now instead of waiting for a problem to present itself. They say it's urgent, but not emergent - whatever. Her liver is right where we thought it'd be (mid-line) and she has 2 spleens, one large and one small near her kidney - both appear to be working.

Y'all, she's basically perfect, expect for her insides.

She's been on room air since she was born. She was screaming while they were pulling her out and it was one of the most beautiful sounds I've ever heard. I didn't hear a sound out of Jordan until she was over a half hour old. I know that doesn't seem like a long time, but when you're waiting for any good signs, those seconds tick by slower than molasses and minutes feel like eternities. Norah's screams made me cry right away. I was nervous about feeling bonded to her b/c of the c/s and the fact that I knew she'd be headed to the NICU and I wouldn't get to see her or hold her right away, but those screams washed that fear away. I did get to see her and Nick held her and then she went upstairs to the NICU and I was up to see her a few hours later and it felt like we'd never been apart. I haven't gotten to spend as much time with her as I'd like, but I don't feel cheated like I thought I would. I make the most of the time I'm there and I know that she knows who her Mumma is.

Jordan is in love with Norah and I think she's forgiven me for not getting her a puppy. She gets so excited to see her and kisses her pictures and is just so happy about No-Nah. She starts calling for her as soon as we get to the hospital parking garage. She knows she has to wash her hands before entering N's pod and she runs right to her crib as soon as she goes through the door.

meeting her sister for the very first time:


first full family photo:


desperately trying to get rid of me so she can hug her sister:



I'm recovering very well. I was having contractions up until the surgery so that made me feel good about her lungs getting squeezed a bit. They said I was contracting ever 2-3 minutes while on the fetal monitor, but I felt the real contractions were more random than that. Surgery went well - I bled less than the typical patient, had less than half the staples of a typical patient, didn't feel much of anything and was up and walking within a few hours (I left the OR after 3 and was walking and up to visit Norah before 5:30).
Nick was great. He was very supportive when I needed him to be and he is really trying to make my recovery as easy as possible. The only time I got really upset with him (and I shouldn't have) was when he called the nurses station and told them I was hemorrhaging instead of calling my nurse directly like I asked him to b/c what happened was normal. I stood up, after sitting for over an hour and a half, right after having a baby and I gushed. I understand why he thought what he did, but he tuned me out when I was trying to tell him what was going on and I was mortified that nurses were rushing to my room. I cried. I made him feel bad and I didn't mean to and I'm sorry I did. I wish I could have seen it, at that moment, from the his eyes - both as a loving husband, and as an EMT, but I couldn't until later that night.

I was freed on Thanksgiving and Nick brought me home to surprise my family and Jordan. The only thing that could have made it better was if I'd been able to bring Norah home with me.

what I'm most thankful for -- even the headless guy:


ok, that's all for this post. I need to take some pain killers and crawl up to bed. I'm exhausted!

quickest of updates

Monday's BPP went fine. I go back tomorrow for a regular appointment.

this computer is being a douche nugget and I can hardly get on to do anything so hopefully that'll change soon and I'll be able to update when I get "real" news.

I still have an inside baby

Bugs lungs were not even close to ready. I'm sad that her lungs aren't ready yet, but I'm glad she gets more time to cook (b/c that's what she needs). I'm very ok with her still being inside.

The amnio was not pleasant. It was decided that the best spot was way up at the top of my stomach/uterus to get a sample, BUT the placenta is in the way, so the needle had to go through it. The needle going in wasn't bad, but Norah decided to try and kick the needle, so for 10 minutes there was a whole lotta pushing and rubbing and bouncing trying to get her to move her leg away from the needle. We got a very, very small (maybe.75cc) and bloody sample so they needed to try and get fluid from another spot. Near her face. The needle didn't hurt and we were able to get a large enough sample for the test within a minutes time.
I was supposed to hang out in L&D for a quick NST, but someone didn't want to do what she's supposed to do. A 20 minute NST lasted... and lasted... and lasted... and around the 90 minute mark, I got the results from the amnio (much sooner than expected), but Norah still wasn't reacting as she should have been. An hour after that, I got the news that the blood in the sample was fetal blood so I'd have to be monitored until Thursday night to determine if she was losing blood. I was sprung around 8:30 (a half hour earlier than I was told was the earliest I'd leave - WOOT!!), and Norah had been looking great on the monitor at that point for over 6 hours.

I'm really glad we didn't HAVE to get her out. I'd have loved to meet her and hold her, but, even more than that, I love that she's inside and her lungs are still developing.

And there's the update.
BPP Monday morning and regular appointment on Wednesday. She'll be here within the next 16 days - YIKES!

ummm

It's 6:30am. In about an hour/hour and a half, I'm going to go have an amnio to check Norah-bugs lungs and possibly start an induction if she's ready.

wow.

just, wow.

I want her to be happy and healthy and safe and if this is what it takes, then so be it. She looks good on the ultrasounds, but it will be easier and more accurate to monitor her on the outside.

I'm nervous and excited all at the same time. More nervous I think. I've never been away from Belly longer than over night and even then, I was only 10 minutes away. I don't know how long I could be gone. I don't think I'll get to see her at all today unless she decides to wake up really early, but the past 2 days she's slept until after 8:30 so I'm not holding my breath.

so that's that.

here's hoping all goes smoothly.

a late update

Norah-Bug is still cooking :)
Next week we'll estimate her weight and discuss how she'll arrive.
Her room is painted, mostly, just some touch up on the trim & putting the mouldings up left. Hopefully I can get her crib and dresser together before the end of next week.

Jordy has her last swim lesson tomorrow. I'm going to miss bringing her swimming with kids her age, but at least we have the membership and can bring her to open swims. We bought her big-girl mattress and she'll probably start trying it out this weekend or next week.

Not much of an update, but there isn't much going on right now.

marathon appointment day... wasn't so bad after all

I did black out during the fetal echo, so that was embarrassing, but that means Norah is big enough to put enough pressure on my blood vessels to make me pass out and that makes me happy.

1st appointment went well. I got a little annoyed going over my history, again, but it is what it is. I'm liking Dr. D more each time I meet with her and am feeling like she's listening to me and my concerns. She said she read over the dictation from Jordan's delivery and based on that, she's till leaning toward a c/s. I'm still leaning toward a vaginal delivery. I get that there is an increased risk of Norah getting stuck like Jordan did (upwards of 25% according to Dr. D, but my research says it's closer to <10%) and there's a risk of nerve damage (about 5% of the above risk of Erb's Palsy), but I don't want to jump on the operating table for a small risk if delivering vaginally is better for her. If I'm told that a c/s is the best and safest way for her to enter the world -- sign me up. As it stands now, if I go into labor within the next 3 week, I'll deliver vaginally, but I'll have another growth u/s in about 2 weeks and we'll discuss a c/s then.

B/c my appointment ran long, my nst was canceled (boo hoo hoo), but I still had the bpp scheduled at 1, so at least we got a break for lunch.

bpp at 1 went fine. She was moving and practice breathing and has plenty of fluid. The u/s tech was able to get me in with the cardiac tech early for my fetal echo so that was nice.

Fetal echo went very well. Well, except for the whole blacking out thing, but whatever. Her condition seems to be holding steady. There was no increased leakiness of the valves, organs are still where they're supposed to be (mostly) and she's growing.

The NICU consult is where today really shined. We were nervous about it b/c of our experience at WIH. I don't want my kid to need a NICU, but I'm happy about the one she'll be going to. They're very family centered, with toys in the waiting/family room, a small library to learn about a lot of the conditions/complications that caused your child to end up there, and - my most favorite part - parents are encouraged to attend rounds. You aren't banished off the ward. You're actually there, listening and learning about your child and, if need be, offering input as to what you think your baby needs. The pods were so serene, even with the monitors and visitors, and we never experienced anything like that at WIH. It always felt like chaos, a slightly controlled chaos, but chaos none the less.
At WIH (in our experience), the drs/nurses didn't care what the parents said, they didn't want parents to access their child's records (it HAD TO BE word of mouth - there were no charts for us to read), and getting information was like pulling teeth. They made us feel bad about everything from not delivering there to the fact that they ALWAYS called the wrong number when trying to reach us and, oh yeah, it was our fault when Jordy's nurse went on break and her covering nurse refused to update us on our child's condition. Our experience there sucked. Sucked big, hairy goat balls.

And... and... and...

If Norah is as "healthy" as we're predicting (everything can change once she's on the outside breathing air and her heart is working without the help of the umbilicus)... she could be in the NICU as little as 12-24 hours. I totally side-eyed the neonatalogist at that point, but he went on to explain that a baby presenting as she is, born at term, that shows no signs of bowel damage after her first feed, would only need to be observed long enough to get a cardiac consult in before they'd move her to either the special care unit or the general nursery. Granted, she could be there a lot longer, and I'm not getting my hopes up of her having a 12 hr stay, but it was really nice to hear that there's a plan, already in place, for her to be released from the NICU. We never had that with Jordan.
Oh, and if she does as well as predicted, and I do have a c/s - she'd most likely be released from the hospital before I would be. I didn't even know what to say to that! She would/could stay in the general nursery until my release, but technically, if he wanted to, Nick could take her home and leave me there to recover.

So there's todays update. I'm still so in shock over the NICU consult. I'm so excited that we know what has to happen for her to come home and that there's no reason to think she'll need a ventilator or special equipment or anything in order to come home. Down the line, she'll need to be medicated in order to help her heart/lungs until she needs surgery, but it won't be right away. She'll get to be a normal-ish baby for a little while and we'll get to hold her and love her and see her with Jordan AT HOME.

Today was a good day :)

changed my mind, she's staying in forever

yep, I've changed my mind and Norah-bug will be an inside baby forever.

I'm afraid of her entering the world.
Of what complications she'll have.
Of surgery.
Of the NICU.
Of her adjusting to the outside world.
Of all the other things mothers worry about.

I want to protect her forever. I want to protect both my girls. I hate that I feel like I'm getting less time with Belly b/c I'm spending it trying to learn about the "what-ifs" that might affect Norah. I hate that I have to limit my time learning about Norah's condition to spend time playing with Jordan. I hate going to day long appointments where I can't have Jordan with me, but love watching Norah on the ultrasound.
I can't seem to find a balance. I want to. I want so much for Jordan to be involved in everything, but I want to protect her from everything.

I found a chatboard for parents of CHD babes/kids and I'm addicted to learning others stories. I've reached out to a few parents who've delivered in Boston/children have had surgery in Boston and asked them about their experiences. I've been reading posts about hiding/exposing your other children to your heart babies and I don't know what to do. I WANT Jordan to see me in the hospital and to see Norah and touch her and know that's her baby too. I don't want her to see wires and machines and be afraid. I've been showing her some pictures from when she was in the NICU, but her wires were mostly hidden. They didn't have to intubate her (I don't know if Norah will need it), and she yanked out her iv ports as quickly as she could, so all you see in some of her pictures are some wires hanging out of a blanket and the occasional iv port that she hadn't yanked yet. I hate to show her the pictures where I'm obviously crying - I don't want her to think that being in the hospital is bad or something to be afraid of.

I hate this time in my life right now. I should be loving it, but I hate it. I love how fun and loving Jordan is. I love feeling Norah roll and kick. I love when Jordan pokes at my belly and Norah kicks her, and when Jordan is talking or singing and Norah goes nutso. I loved (as coincidental as I'm sure it was) that Norah woke up during the BPP when I mentioned Jordan's name. I hate that I feel torn between the 2 of them most days. I hate that I can't find a balance. I hate that I can't just enjoy the time I have left with Jordan being my only outside baby.

I want to have that normal pregnancy that I was finally having. I feel guilty for wanting that. I want to have a healthy baby. I feel guilty for wanting Norah to be something she isn't. I remember feeling guilty like this when Jordan was born. I wanted a little baby - she wasn't little. I wanted a healthy baby - she decided breathing was stupid. I loved her more than anything anyway (still do), and I love Norah already (no matter what her condition is) and I'm a shit-tastic mother for wishing they could be/would have been something they aren't/weren't.
I don't think I could love them anymore than I do (which, I guess is a lie, b/c tomorrow or the next day or the day after that, I'll realize that I love them so much more that day than I do right now) and I KNOW I can't love them less than I already do, so why am I so selfish to want the things that no one has any control over? It isn't fair of me. I guess I need to work on that.