This is for you Jordy-Belle -
After weeks and weeks of contractions - seriously child, I started having contractions around 28 weeks and you weren't born until 40w1d - my water finally broke on your due date (at 8:30pm). I wanted you to be born on your due date for a couple reasons. Selfish reasons. It was your great, great grandfathers birthday and your great, great grandmothers death day. Memere & Pepere are very much missed and loved and I wanted to have that connection to them again. Like I said, selfish, but I can admit it. You wanted your own day, and you deserve your own day - I'm glad you got it.
Anyway (this is why I never get this story written out)!!
We left for the hospital around 10/10:30, Daddy dropped Cooper off at Grammy and Grampa's and came to get me. There was a snow storm coming in and we decided that waiting until morning to go in would be silly. Oddly enough, after my water broke - no contractions. It was the longest time I'd been without contractions in 12 weeks. When we got to the hospital the nurses couldn't believe I wasn't having any - they'd seen me so many times over the last few weeks for NSTs and labor checks with contractions 3-5 minutes apart for hours that no activity was just bizarre. I was put on pitocin and they let me try to rest. Pitocin is the devil.
Oh, let me back up a second -- we were lucky we got to the hospital when we did, with a couple hours, the place was packed. They had to cancel all scheduled inductions and c/s and if we'd waited until morning, I wouldn't have had a room. You were born during a slew of snow storms.
Back to pitocin being the devil. After over 12 weeks of contractions, I thought I'd have a good handle on what I could do to get through them. The pitocin messed me up. I responded well in that I was having contractions, but poorly in that my blood pressure and pulse were erratic so I was confined to the bed. I just wanted to walk around and stretch a little, but I needed to be monitored.
Finally, I asked for my epidural when the contractions were just to much for me. I was shaking the bed and crying and couldn't get comfortable at all - I even woke Daddy up (don't worry, he got lots of sleep during my labor). Only 10 minutes before I felt fine, but between the pitocin starting the contractions and my body deciding it was time to have some natural ones, I just couldn't do it. I was so upset when I was only 4cm dilated and asking for an epidural, I really wanted to make it to 6 or 7.
Daddy was texting Ojiichan at the time and actually thought I gave a shit what they were talking about - I didn't. I was hurt that he cared more about that than taking care of me when I needed him - quite frankly, I still am. There are a lot of things he did that night/day that hurt that I'm still getting over, but they aren't really important (even though I'm sure I'll include them here). The epidural was bliss. I'm not allergic to it. That is amazing in and of itself, and that it worked... BLISS. I slept for 2 hours after I got it and started to feel ok. I was up and down for the next few hours, but Daddy slept until nearly 9am when it took me a good 10 minutes to wake him up b/c Grammy & Grampa were there to visit.
Your Grampa is an ass. I just want you to know that. When they were there, my epidural was getting low and I was feeling a lot, but the pitocin was dropped to nearly nothing b/c I was having natural contractions again so it wasn't as bad as when I did get the epi, and Grampa watched the monitor and felt the need to tell me every time I was having a contraction. Um, yeah, thank you Captain Obvious, but I'm well aware of the contracting uterus in my body. Apparently, he thought it was so funny when he did it to Grammy when she had us that he thought it'd still be funny... it wasn't.
At 10:30 am, I got the all clear to push. I was ready! My nurse was convinced you'd be here in about an hour and I couldn't wait to meet you.
I pushed.
And I pushed.
And I pushed.
And Daddy tried to nap.
And I pushed.
And I pushed.
And Daddy complained about being hungry.
And I begged to change positions b/c the epidural was empty and it hurt.
And I pushed.
And I pushed.
And I asked if it was to late for a c/s only to be told you were "right there".
And I pushed.
And then, even though it isn't common practice, and they were leery about doing it, my epidural was refilled and they tried to get me to rest (it was around noon). The problem with getting or re-filling the epidural when pushing is that you can't push as effectively, but I was exhausted. I had the oxygen mask and kept blanking out while pushing b/c I couldn't rest through any of the contractions. It hurt more to rest than to push and exhaust myself and b/c of that I wasn't pushing or progressing as effectively as I had been when I started pushing.
I started to rest a little and pushed through every other contraction. My right foot fell asleep and I desperately needed to shake it. I couldn't lift it, but I could slide it off the bed and every time I did, Daddy or the nurse would put it back and tell me I couldn't feel my foot, but I could and it was asleep and that's annoying.
I pushed.
And I pushed.
And Daddy ignored everything I said to him.
And I pushed.
And I pushed.
And Daddy left. And I've never felt more alone in my life. He said he just need to get out of there and he left.
And I cried. And the nurse asked where he was going and what he was doing and I cried b/c I just didn't know.
And Daddy came back and mutter some half-assed apology about being upset that he couldn't do anything to help me, but really, I didn't care then and I don't care now. I don't think I'll ever forget that he left when I needed him most.
And I pushed.
And at some point way more people than should have been in my room were.
And I pushed.
And the nurse was pulling my legs back as far as she could and she was on my stomach pushing you out while I pushed.
And I pushed and she helped.
And I heard someone yell 13 - 32.
I knew you were born.
I tried so hard to open my eyes and see you, but they were swollen. There was yelling for the pediatrician b/c he wasn't there yet. He came running in and slipped on something and got tangled in the curtain yelling that he was there. I could kinda see you across the room and I knew something wasn't right. Why did they take you away from me? I was supposed to hold you while they cut the cord. And why was the pedi flopping you around (it was just your arm, but I didn't know that at the time).
And you started to fuss. I told Daddy to go check on you - I needed to know what was going on.
You got stuck on the way out. You presented with spontaneous shoulder dystocia and weren't doing so well when you made it out. Your 1 minute apgar was only a 1, but your 5 minute was a 7 an you were pinking up and seemed to be doing well. Daddy showed me some pictures of you and I couldn't wait to hold you myself. I got stitched up while they kept an eye on you.
About 45 minutes after you were born, I got to hold you for the first time. Less than 10 minutes later Grammy and Grampa were busting down the door to check on us. I guess there were a lot of pages to my room b/c of the situation. I remember the nurse asking if it was ok to let them in b/c the room was a mess and I said it was fine. I shouldn't have. My eyes were still really swollen and I didn't know how bad the room was. My blood covered it. The pedi slipped in my blood on the other side of the room, and there was blood on the walls and the window. It wasn't a pretty sight. I knew they were excited to see their granddaughter, but I never thought about how they'd feel seeing their daughter's blood everywhere (ok, I didn't know about the blood, but I never thought about how they'd feel seeing their daughter in rough shape) so I ok'd letting them in.
You were beautiful and perfect and I loved you instantly. I cried when I held you and nuzzled your dark, dark brown (just a shade or 2 lighter than black) hair and saw your pretty blue eyes. You were so big and so tiny all at the same time. You were so clean. That sounds silly, but you were so clean, w/o a bath, and everyone commented about it. I'm sure it was from all the rubbing and handling when they were trying to make sure you were alright, but even the nurses and the drs that took care of you during that time made comments about how clean you were. And you were feisty almost instantly - just ask Grampa about your first bath - and let us know what you wanted and how you felt.
Baby girl, I love you so much. I'd do it a million times over again for you. You had some breathing complications that ended up putting you in the NICU, but that wasn't until a couple days later. I'll write about that another day, but for now, I'm all cried out and tired and don't want to think about how much your NICU stay hurt. It was only a few days, but it was awful. The important part is you're happy and healthy and growing like a weed...
And I love you.
I love you more today than I did yesterday and I'm sure I'll say the same tomorrow.
birthday pictures :)
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