today sucks for me.

First things first... Norah is doing great. Jordan is doing great. Nick is doing great. I'm having a pity party.

I want my baby home. Every parent with a baby in the NICU wants them home, but I'm not focusing on them, I'm focusing on me and I WANT MY BABY HOME.
I miss her. I hate being away from her. I want to be awake at 2am calming her and holding her whenever I want, and whenever she wants. I want to tell her about the crazy things her sister is doing and watch her stare as Jordan dances. I want to be there for her awake time - it's getting longer every day, and I'm missing it. She's stuck in a bassinet, by herself, only getting attention when she's super fussy b/c she isn't critical like the other babes. If she's just fussing, but a baby across the pod de-sats, the nurses have to tend to the other baby and Norah is left to fuss. I know she'll get over it and I know they're doing everything they can for her, but I want her home. Home, where I don't have to rush to another baby every time an alarm goes off. Home, where I can soothe her and hold her and tell her how much she's loved without time constraints.

I just want my baby home. I want her healthy, of course, but I want to be a family of 4 at HOME. I don't want to have to schedule visits with her based on Jordan's schedule (or Nick's). I don't want to hear about her latest test results - I don't want there to be latest test results.

I want my baby. I want her healthy and at home. I hate that we're basically waiting on an elective surgery, that can't be done until her lung pressure decreases and that may not happen b/c of her VSD. What then? Wait until she's 18 to leave the NICU?!?!? This is how I feel right now.

I know how lucky I am to have a baby. BELIEVE ME, I KNOW. I'm tired of hearing how I should want the best for her, so her being in the NICU shouldn't be such a big deal. It is a big deal. I have a life that I need to get back to. My support system needs to get back to their lives too. Bills don't stop b/c you have a baby - they just get higher. I know how fortunate I am that she made it to term, was born, and is doing so well. I know b/c I was the one who went through the pregnancy and heard all the bad news first hand. All the more reason I want my baby home, leading as normal a life as possible.

I just want my baby.