I had my appointment with the counselor yesterday and we were talking about the upcoming consult and how I felt and blah,blah,blah. So she mentioned how someone had once said to her they stopped feeling and asking 'why me?' and started to ask 'why NOT me?' which led to the conversation of how I'm a crap-tastic Catholic, and yet, I still believe that God won't give me/us anything we can't handle and it took awhile to get there but I did and I just have to get back there and then it clicked. I had stopped asking why me and started asking why NOT me months ago.
holy crap, if you could follow that, I applaud you. And, if you know me in real life, I'm sure you read it in the same rushed voice I wrote it in and then, you get a standing ovation b/c simple applause would not be enough.
I used to read, or hear, watch shows/news reports about children with health problems, or that were born prematurely or had some handicap/hindrance (real or maybe just assumed, by me & others? idk anymore) and I'd feel badly for the child & their families. I think most of us do, even if it's just a fleeting, passing 'how awful' or 'I'm sorry' ir 'I can't imagine' -type thought.
Then, I had a baby that went to the NICU. In my opinion she didn't need to be there, and if she actually did need to be there, her care should have been handled differently upon her arrival there. I remember all the little and needy babies and thinking Belly was taking up a space that one of them needed so much more than she did.
There was a father one night that told me he didn't feel bad that his newborn was there b/c he needed to be and they had a care plan in place, but he felt bad that mine was b/c there was no plan for her there. She was just *there*, showing no issues, not dropping her oxygen (which is why she was sent) and they kept keeping her, waiting for her to have a problem. I remember thinking I already felt bad enough for myself, for the same reasons actually, but I didn't know what to say. I told him his son was beautiful and I hoped his latest round of blood work was clear and asking if I could check in on him when I came into the pod the next day. It was a humbling to be told by the parent of a critical infant that he felt sorry for me & my healthy one, but not for his. He was scared and worried, but didn't feel bad about being there. It was the best place for his baby to get care and the best option he had for survival.
It took me a long time to understand that feeling, and honestly, I still didn't *completely* get it.
THEN, I had a baby with health issues that had to go directly to the NICU. No transfer, no time to cuddle & show her off, just a couple minutes to get a good look and then off to another floor for testing. I didn't feel bad about the Buglet gong to the NICU. I remembered the father from WIH NICU talking about having a plan. We had a plan this time. I felt so much more prepared for our stay and when I got up to see her, I didn't feel badly for the other babies - not the super tiny ones or the ones that'd just had surgery or even myself. This was where they all needed to be to get the best care possible. They all needed to be there - whether their parents thought they did or not (and I think we all know, I got to the point where I didn't think Norah did... BUT I wasn't alone in thinking that, her drs knew she didn't need to be there anymore as well).
It was in the 2nd NICU that I realized: the NICU was just a part of our story. It wasn't the best part, but who has only perfectly happy stories of their lives? We have good and bad memories from both NICUs.
I have a baby with heart issues. So what? Is she any less Norah? Nope. Do I love her any less? Not an ounce. She's perfectly Norah. She wouldn't be *MY* Norah without a wonky bowel, holey heart, extra spleen and misplaced liver.
Some kids have birthmarks or blue eyes or wear glasses or braces - it makes them who they are. That doesn't mean they're less than perfect. It's just who they are, and you don't love them any less b/c of it.
so there's a hella long back story to say - why NOT me?
Why shouldn't this be a part of our story? We're fortunate enough that I can stay home with the girls, which means I can be flexible with Bugga's appointments and not have to worry about losing my job or having irked co-workers b/c of the amount of time I'd miss. We're blessed with family nearby that love us and are always willing to lend a hand. They're there whenever I need a sitter for whatever reason, or just to listen to me whine about my life (hey, we all do it - no matter how happy or lucky we are; we're all human). We have excellent health insurance and a growing knowledge of how it works. We have the resources and desire to learn more about everything that's been thrown at us. We love our children unconditionally and will do any & everything we can for them. Even when that means letting them fail.
Yeah, we've been dealt a suck hand if you're looking at it from the outside, but from the inside, this hand looks like a winner.
Why me, why us, why her... because we can. We can learn and teach and handle it. I'm not saying it isn't overwhelming (often), but we can do it when others may not be able to. So, why not me?
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| the is NO ESCAPE from the kiss of a Norah-monster! |
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