I'm afraid of her entering the world.
Of what complications she'll have.
Of surgery.
Of the NICU.
Of her adjusting to the outside world.
Of all the other things mothers worry about.
I want to protect her forever. I want to protect both my girls. I hate that I feel like I'm getting less time with Belly b/c I'm spending it trying to learn about the "what-ifs" that might affect Norah. I hate that I have to limit my time learning about Norah's condition to spend time playing with Jordan. I hate going to day long appointments where I can't have Jordan with me, but love watching Norah on the ultrasound.
I can't seem to find a balance. I want to. I want so much for Jordan to be involved in everything, but I want to protect her from everything.
I found a chatboard for parents of CHD babes/kids and I'm addicted to learning others stories. I've reached out to a few parents who've delivered in Boston/children have had surgery in Boston and asked them about their experiences. I've been reading posts about hiding/exposing your other children to your heart babies and I don't know what to do. I WANT Jordan to see me in the hospital and to see Norah and touch her and know that's her baby too. I don't want her to see wires and machines and be afraid. I've been showing her some pictures from when she was in the NICU, but her wires were mostly hidden. They didn't have to intubate her (I don't know if Norah will need it), and she yanked out her iv ports as quickly as she could, so all you see in some of her pictures are some wires hanging out of a blanket and the occasional iv port that she hadn't yanked yet. I hate to show her the pictures where I'm obviously crying - I don't want her to think that being in the hospital is bad or something to be afraid of.
I hate this time in my life right now. I should be loving it, but I hate it. I love how fun and loving Jordan is. I love feeling Norah roll and kick. I love when Jordan pokes at my belly and Norah kicks her, and when Jordan is talking or singing and Norah goes nutso. I loved (as coincidental as I'm sure it was) that Norah woke up during the BPP when I mentioned Jordan's name. I hate that I feel torn between the 2 of them most days. I hate that I can't find a balance. I hate that I can't just enjoy the time I have left with Jordan being my only outside baby.
I want to have that normal pregnancy that I was finally having. I feel guilty for wanting that. I want to have a healthy baby. I feel guilty for wanting Norah to be something she isn't. I remember feeling guilty like this when Jordan was born. I wanted a little baby - she wasn't little. I wanted a healthy baby - she decided breathing was stupid. I loved her more than anything anyway (still do), and I love Norah already (no matter what her condition is) and I'm a shit-tastic mother for wishing they could be/would have been something they aren't/weren't.
I don't think I could love them anymore than I do (which, I guess is a lie, b/c tomorrow or the next day or the day after that, I'll realize that I love them so much more that day than I do right now) and I KNOW I can't love them less than I already do, so why am I so selfish to want the things that no one has any control over? It isn't fair of me. I guess I need to work on that.
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