This started before the ultrasound on the 1st. For some reason, I was thinking about when my brother would get sick and be in the hospital (it's about that time of year that the poor kid would be in the hospital for either for his birthday -in May- or around Halloween b/c of asthma/allergies every year) and when Belle was in the hospital when she was only 5 weeks old.
I realized while I was at Hasbro with Belle how often my brother was in the hospital and how often my mother was with me during that time. I remember telling her I didn't know how she did it b/c there was no way I was leaving my baby in the hospital by herself. She said, "I had another child to take care of."
I'll never forget her saying that.
God knows how many times I've felt (and voiced said feeling) that my brother was her favorite and I can't fathom how much that must have hurt. I'm sure she knew it was just me being frustrated and annoyed and jealous of who knows what and lashing out, but geez! I never thought about how that could hurt her or that it'd be something I thought about years and years later - what kid does?
When everything with Norah started, I had another child to take care of.
I have nap and bed times to cry and worry in. I can't just stop and hide in a hole until I know everything is going to be alright, no matter how much I want to. I've had to take care of Jordan and love her and hold it together for her, so that she can continue to grow and be confident in herself and our love for her.
I couldn't have done it without my mother having told me she had another child to take care of. It was like she was giving me permission, long before I needed it, to take care of all my children in the way that they'd need me to. All those visits to see my brother in the hospital - I remember thinking it was so that I could see him, I never thought it was so that my mother could be with her son - like he needed her to be, like she needed to be. I hope I can someday be as strong a mother as she was then and is today.
I'm nervous about Norah. I really don't know what to expect tomorrow at the ultrasound, but I do know that when I'm done, I have to come home and be Mumma to Jordan.
here's hoping all is well,
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