So. Why can't I relax?
Why do I keep running scenarios in my mind that end badly. Why can't I just enjoy the good fortune we've been given?
God has blessed us in more ways that I could ever imagine. He's listened to me cry and rant and plead, all before I realized that I couldn't tell him what outcome I expected.
I remember kneeling in the Chapel at MRH while waiting for the transport team from MassGen to come get Belle (btw, they didn't come b/c of weather) and I was sobbing and praying and over and over again I kept saying 'I know you won't give me anything I can't handle. I know there's a reason for this, but I don't like it.'
It took waiting for a NICU team to come and get my baby for me to realize that. I remember saying it over and over again over the next few days as well - every time I didn't like something. Somehow, I must have thought if God knew I was upset with His plan, He'd stop giving me obstacles.
Boy was I wrong! All the little hurdles He's sent my way since then completely lulled me into a false sense of security. In my wildest dreams, I couldn't imagine the situation we're in right now.
I'm afraid.
I'm afraid that I only find my faith when I'm in a time of crisis. I'll be the first person to tell you I'm a piss-poor Catholic. I can't remember the last time I went to confession, or regularly attended Mass. Since I was 4 years old (that's over 23 years now), I've never lived more than a quarter mile from a church - most of that time, I was right across the street. I talk to God every day, but can't take the time to visit in His house. Yep, I'm a sucky Catholic.
I'm afraid that I can't handle all that's being given to me. Maybe that's a poor choice of words. I KNOW He won't give me something I can't handle, but I'm afraid I won't handle it correctly.
I'm afraid of the other shoe. I feel like I'm just waiting for it to drop. How much good news can we get before. Before it's not good anymore.
Nick was the one who asked what would happen when I went to term, not if. He asked what would happen when the baby was chromosomally normal with a cystic hygroma. I ask the if questions. I scour the interwebz for any piece of information I can find that might be helpful. I look up which children's hospital has the best program for lymphatic malformations.
Nick has faith in us and our ability to succeed as Bugs parents. Nick has faith that Bug will be everything we dreamed she'd be before May 12th - it may take a few extra steps to get her here, but she'll be here.
I don't know. I don't have much left to say that I haven't already. I'm still so excited about our good news, I just wish I could enjoy it more. I need to relax!
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