I don't have any answers.
I don't know how to feel.
I cling to moments of normalcy.
I hope and pray and cry and research and it all boils down to one thing right now... I haven't any answers yet so it's all for naught. For every success story I find, there are 3 that end badly. For every happy thought, there's a sad one. I go from imagining Bug having a first birthday and being able to tell the doctors that they were wrong, to trying to decide what type of funeral you have for a baby. I even came up with some cockamamie reason for the septations in the cystic hygroma that made me so hopeful I nearly bought the form for Bug's first birthday cake.
I want answers. I need to know how to feel. I'm terrified of the answers though. All the success stories seem to either be to chromosomally abnormal children or the CH didn't present until after birth. I don't understand if that means I should be hoping the CVS finds something or that it doesn't. There are better success rates when it presents after birth, but we don't have that luxury. There are so many stories about finding CHs and then, in later ultrasounds it's shrinking or gone... but none of those stories say that the CH had septations. There are so many stories about loss in utero due to CH complications/chromosomal abnormalities discovered b/c of the CH and all those stories say their child had CH with septations.
I'm lost right now. I think that's the best way to put it. I'm lost in my life. I need to be Belle's mother and show her that everything is ok, but I don't feel like everything is ok. I feel like everything is crumbling and I need to hold up the pieces that haven't fallen yet.
I just need to hold on a few more days. I'll get the FISH results and Bug will get their forever name and we'll do everything we can to make sure Bug knows how loved they are. Just a few more days.
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